set my midnight sorrow free (i will give you all of me)
by Lance Corporal Chanyeol
Summary: EXO;CHANBAEKSOO. Baekhyun thinks he's fine with anything as long as Chanyeol holds him.
1. leave your lover

It's always here, confined in the clean, white tiled walls, that he realizes just exactly how pathetic he is. Although, given that the two of them are definitely his closest friends, and they've welcomed him so warmly and have been treating him so well, plus he does pay for his expenses and a quarter of the rent, he still feels like he shouldn't be there, like he's imposing on them and intruding their privacy.

That's probably because he really is.

When he really thinks about it, he admits to himself that there were a million ways to turn down Chanyeol's offer; it seemed futile, but he could continue to search for an apartment that he could afford, or maybe find another person to room with that lived around the area so he wouldn't have to get too far from work to cut down expenses on commuting. If it really came down to it, he could quit work and go back to his parent's place for a while, just until he's able to fix his shit.

But there he is, body submerged in a tub of now lukewarm water, pitying himself even more as the minutes tick by. There's a knock on the door and he almost doesn't acknowledge it.

"Baekhyun?" Kyungsoo calls from outside. "I'm going out for a bit. Chanyeol's still asleep, feel free to make breakfast for the three us."

Baekhyun gets up into a sitting position and splashes water to his face. "Sure, if you're down for burnt eggs and maybe some milk."

"Totally down for that," Kyungsoo replies. Baekhyun hears him chuckle and then he goes, indicated by the fading sound of his footsteps.

For a while, Baekhyun just sits there, in the middle of the tub, before he gets up and grabs the towel he prepared for himself. He pats his body dry and wraps the towel around his waist. Little droplets of water drip from his hair down to his exposed chest and he hurries to get to his room where he gets dressed. He walks over to their room, Kyungsoo's and Chanyeol's shared room, and peeks his head inside.

He remembers how, when he first arrived, he had suggested that he sleep on the couch, to which Chanyeol chuckled and told him that there was no need, that Baekhyun could use the guest room because nobody used it anyway. Of course, Baekhyun had thought.

Chanyeol is lying on his stomach, his limbs sprawled all over the bed now that the other occupant isn't around. He's snoring, Baekhyun could tell, and then he snorts unhappily in his sleep before shifting around so he's lying on his back, his arms bent in a weird angle. He seems to wake up, hands feeling up the bed, probably looking for Kyungsoo…

Baekhyun gets out of sight before Chanyeol can see him. He walks over to the small kitchen place and pokes around the refrigerator for something to make just as he hears a door open and then promptly close. He's still deciding whether he wants to impress Kyungsoo with something other than eggs for breakfast or just settle for the usual scrambled yellows when Chanyeol appears, bed hair and all, looking a bit confused.

"Where's the little devil?"

"He would love to hear that," Baekhyun replies, taking out five eggs from the refrigerator, almost dropping one but successfully catching it before Chanyeol does.

"Oh, nice reflex," Baekhyun absentmindedly says, already cracking open two eggs over a bowl. He opens the fridge and feels relieved when he's able to fish out tomatoes.

"And you used to say I have bad eye-hand coordination," Chanyeol says, to which Baekhyun replies by tossing him a tomato which he barely catches. "Hey!"

Baekhyun just shakes his head, swiftly catching the tomato, although he admits that it could be because he was prepared for it.

"You still haven't answered me," Chanyeol reminds him. "Where'd Kyungsoo go?"

Baekhyun is ready to fry the eggs when he answers, "I don't know, he just told me he was going to go out and that I should make breakfast. He said he wouldn't be out for long, and since he wants me to make breakfast, maybe he'll be back for it."

The taller male hums, slumping on one of the metal stools around the small kitchen island. "And he couldn't bother to tell me," he whines, pout and all.

Baekhyun holds back a remark about how Chanyeol should stop acting like him and Kyungsoo were newlyweds. "Well, seeing how sound asleep you were, I wouldn't have to guess why he didn't tell you about it." It takes a moment for him to realize it but when he does, he pauses and bites his tongue, internally punching himself for his slip. Baekhyun didn't see how Chanyeol was sleeping, or, at least, Chanyeol doesn't know that he did.

Thankfully, Chanyeol only nods, seemingly not understanding what Baekhyun had just unconsciously implied. He says something about taking a shower and then leaves Baekhyun alone to make breakfast.

* * *

"Hey, Baek, Jongin just called me, says he knows somewhere you could transfer to. He doesn't know how much they'll pay you, but you could give it a shot, go for an interview," Kyungsoo tells him, handing Baekhyun his phone. "There, he messaged me the details for you."

Baekhyun whips out his phone and saves the information. "Thanks, Soo. He could have just called and messaged me, though."

Kyungsoo shrugs. "He lost his phone recently, had to help him pick out a new one yesterday. I don't think he's had the brain to ask for anyone else's contacts yet." Just as Baekhyun hands back Kyungsoo's phone, it alerts them both of a new text message. "Oh, right on time, he's asking for your number."

"Well, you have it. Thanks again, Kyungsoo."

"Well, it sucks to see you so overworked yet so underpaid."

Baekhyun chuckles, shaking his head. "Well, that's what I get for going to college to get myself a degree in art." He gets a brief flashback of his father telling him to take something else, something practical, something that would put money in his hands and food on his plate. "Turned out to be a pretty useless degree."

The next day, he meets up with Jongin in a nearby coffee shop, one that seems to be a bit too fancy for Baekhyun's wallet. He's the first one to arrive and when he sees Jongin walking over to him, a playful smile already plastered on his youthful face, Baekhyun is just about ready to open his mouth to suggest a different place.

"Coffee's on me, for being late," Jongin immediately says, sitting on the opposite side of the table. "Have you ordered yet?"

Baekhyun wonders if he arrived late on purpose so he would have an excuse to treat Baekhyun, knowing that if he didn't have that excuse, Baekhyun wouldn't accept because he's just that type of person; as much as he hates being hopeless, he also hates being pitied. He knew, though, that he was in no position to be worrying about his pride.

"No, you can order for the both of us."

Jongin makes small talk with him while they wait for their orders to arrive, asking him about the "stupid couple" he's living with and if he's doing well with them.

"Yeah, I guess," Baekhyun allows. "Everybody knows that my burning desire to move out isn't because of them."

Jongin doesn't respond immediately, giving Baekhyun a funny look. "I see… well, you know that you could live with me, right? If you want to."

He could do that, yeah, if only he doesn't know Jongin well enough. Baekhyun wouldn't want to be around when Jongin decides to bring back some girl and do shit with her. "No, no. I wouldn't want to bother any of the other boys; I'm already causing enough trouble for Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. Thank you for the offer, though, and for recommending me that company."

"I'm sure they don't mind," Jongin says as their orders arrive. He begins to tell Baekhyun about a friend of his who works for the publication company he talked about before. "I've told him about you and yours skills, he seemed pretty eager to see you for an official interview. Didn't give me any details about the salary, though, so I guess you'll have to find out by yourself."

"That works for me. Did he give you a date?"

"Yeah, Friday this week. Will that work for you?" Jongin asks, pulling out his phone. "I could maybe talk to him if you can't make it so we can reschedule."

"No, I'll just take a day off. If I get the job then I'll just quit this current one and if I don't then a single day off won't do much damage to my already near-nothing pay."

Jongin grins at him. "That's the spirit."

* * *

He's sitting on the couch, watching The Walking Dead, when his two favorite people in the world come home. They're talking about some fancy new restaurant that Chanyeol discovered and then they spot Baekhyun on the couch.

"Baek! Why haven't you been answering my texts?" Chanyeol questions, storming over to Baekhyun and glaring down at him. "When did you get home?"

"A few hours ago. My phone died and I forgot to recharge it, thanks for reminding me. Oh, I hope you don't mind me using the TV."

"Shut the fuck up, you know we don't. Anyway, so?" Chanyeol urges, his pretend anger already gone.

"That doesn't make sense. So…? What?" Baekhyun knows what he means, but it's always nice to see Chanyeol get so worked up.

"Don't do that, Baek," he hears Kyungsoo say. "He kept worrying about it on the way home. Couldn't do anything to shut him up."

"That's because you were too scared," Chanyeol retorts, a cocky grin settling on his lips. "Because I was driving—."

"I got the job," Baekhyun cuts him off, before the situation could turn awkward for him. "They offered me almost twice my current salary. Their old cartoonist resigned and I'm the only one they have now so…"

"Oh my god, Baekhyun!" Chanyeol exclaims, his eyes going comically wide. "Congratulations!"

"Congrats, Baek. See, told you he would get it." Kyungsoo finally appears and flops down beside Baekhyun, something Chanyeol copies.

They're sandwiching him and he can't find it in himself to mind. "Thanks, you two. I'll have to file in my resignation letter before I can start, good thing I was only part-timing for them. Just give me a few months and I can move out and I'll pay you guys back, I promise."

"Whoa, slow down, Baek. You don't have to worry about it, okay?" Chanyeol reassures him, slinging an arm around his shoulder. "Me and Kyungsoo are just genuinely happy for you, because you deserve something better than that shit you get."

"Kyungsoo and I," said man corrected. "It's still true, though." His phone rings and he informs them that it's Jongin. "Did you tell him the good news yet?"

"Oh, shit, yeah, that's another thing I forgot. Can I talk to him?" Kyungsoo shrugs and hands him the phone.

"Hey, you home yet?"

"Hey, it's Baekhyun. Sorry for not calling you, my phone died and I may have completely forgotten to contact anyone. I got the job, by the way, thanks to you."

"You fucking piece of shit. I was waiting for you to tell me but when it became apparent that I was not going to get any calls or messages from you, I had to find out from your new employer."

"Yeah, thanks, I'm glad, too," Baekhyun rubs his face, thinking about all the loans he has to pay to his friends. "I'll make it up to you when I get my first pay."

"We could celebrate here," Kyungsoo chimes in, saving Baekhyun's ass (wallet). "I could make some pasta, we still have some beer and a bottle of wine, I think."

"Kyungsoo says he wants to talk to you," Baekhyun quickly says into the receiver, he gestures that Jongin wants to kill him, handing Kyungsoo his phone back. Deal with him, he mouths, and Kyungsoo laughs at him.

Baekhyun watches as Kyungsoo gets up, the phone pressed to his ear, heading to the kitchen. He turns to face Chanyeol, following Kyungsoo with his eyes, still looking at the same spot even when Kyungsoo disappears into his realm. His eyes snap into focus and lands on Baekhyun's face.

"Congrats, Baek," he says, his tone chirpy. "I'm sure they'll promote you within a few months, or something like that."

Baekhyun nods, recalling his conversation with his soon-to-be boss. "He did say that I could try out for their magazine and do digital art for them once I get better at it."

"I'm sure that'll be in no time, knowing you," Chanyeol murmurs, picking at imaginary lint on his sweater. He looks up and meets Baekhyun's stare, cocking an eyebrow in question. "What? What is it?"

Baekhyun thinks about it, if he really wants to ask Chanyeol this, and how he should proceed with the question without possibly making things even more difficult. He can hear Kyungsoo working in the kitchen, no longer talking on the phone, and Baekhyun decides to open his mouth to ask, "Chanyeol, you're not jealous of Jongin, right?"

Chanyeol's face goes slack, his lips forming an almost straight line. His eyes flicker over to the kitchen area before settling back on Baekhyun's face. When he speaks, he speaks in a quiet voice, as if worried that Kyungsoo might overhear them talking. "We both know how Jongin felt about Kyungsoo."

"Felt, Yeol. They're just really good friends now, as they've always been. Kyungsoo chose you." Baekhyun bites his tongue to keep from saying and you chose him. "I'm sure nothing's going on between them."

"Are we even sure that Jongin's feelings are really gone, though?" Chanyeol almost scoffs. They're both silent for a few moments, Baekhyun staring at him while he refuses to make eye contact. "Look, forget I even said that. I know that there's nothing to be jealous about, but I think I'm entitled to that. It's not like I'm giving Soo a hard time. In fact, I'm positive he doesn't even know that I'm jealous." The last part is said pointedly, Chanyeol's way of telling Baekhyun to shut up about the issue. "I'll get over it, okay? Me, Jongin, Kyungsoo, and you, we're all friends, no need to get jealous of anybody, I guess."

Before he can stop himself, Baekhyun's responding, "It's funny that you would bring me up, given the context of this conversation." He says this with more malice than intended, the statement dripping with bitterness. "What's that supposed to mean, huh?"

"We both know what I mean, Baekhyun," Chanyeol spits back, his jaw visibly clenching. "I'm not stupid and I'm not dense."

For a moment, Baekhyun feels stunned. "You knew all this time?" He feels something hot in his chest, hears his own heart beating frantically. "Since when?"

"It doesn't even matter, Baek. What I'm trying to say is—," he cuts himself off when Baekhyun suddenly stands up, startling him.

"Is this some kind of joke?" Baekhyun asks, his voice barely above a whisper. "Are you some sort of sadist? Is that why you were so insistent about me moving in with you two?"

"No! Jesus Christ, Baek. Fuck, why would you even think that?"

"Does it make you feel good, huh? That someone's still into you even though you're committed, now?" Baekhyun doesn't know why he can't shut up, even when he sees the look of disbelief on Chanyeol's face turn into something more akin to hurt. "Does that make the whole thing more exciting for you? Makes you cocky, confident about yourself?"

His rant ends, but Chanyeol doesn't reply, just stares at Baekhyun as the latter tries to regain his breathing. Baekhyun licks his lips, clenching and unclenching his hands. He needs to get out, get some fresh air in his lungs before they collapse, so he turns around and leaves. He hears both Chanyeol and Kyungsoo calling after him but he keeps walking, no certain destination in mind.

He keeps walking until he realizes he somehow ended up in an unfamiliar looking street, deserted save for a stray dog that merely lifts its head and looks at Baekhyun when he stops a few feet away from it. He allows himself a few seconds to even his breathing, to clear his head, and then starts looking around. He thinks that the place isn't as unfamiliar as he thought it was when he starts to remember passing by the street a couple of times on his pursuit for a new job. He calms down a bit, knowing that he could go home without getting lost and further embarrassing himself by calling one of his housemates to pick him up after he stormed off like that when Kyungsoo was preparing a celebratory dinner for him. Not to mention he got upset with Chanyeol for the dumbest reason ever, and if he did get himself lost, he wouldn't be able to contact anybody because he didn't have his phone with him.

"Fuck, I'm stupid," he whispers, kicking a small rock out of his way, rousing the dog once again but it only looks at him for a while and then turns its head away, as if it too was tired of Baekhyun's shit. He decides to sit down on a shabby looking bench near the dog's place and throws his head up to look at the sky. "Wow, I'm really so messed up."

There was no reason for him to get mad at Chanyeol, because the guy didn't do anything to him except save him from ending up like the dog, living in the streets, homeless. He puts a hand to his face as he thinks about how ungrateful he acted, like he would be able to survive without someone's help, without Chanyeol and Kyungsoo's help. Who was he kidding? After 24 years, he still hasn't managed to grow himself a backbone.

And now he ended up fucking up his friendship with his best friend all because he had feelings for the stupid giant, who's going out with his other best friend. Perfectly pathetic.

"You know," he says to the dog. "You're actually lucky to be living out here. It's a real pain in the ass to be living with people, so you should be thankful you're free and able to provide for yourself."

He admits to himself that he is now at his ultimate low, talking to a dog, when he hears feet crunching on gravel and automatically stiffens.

"Patty?" A woman calls, apparently referring to the dog. "Oh my god, what are you doing here?" As if to confirm Baekhyun's ultimate defeat, that the dog isn't even homeless, Patty gets up and wags its tail while running to meet the woman. "Did you wait for me to come home? You silly, silly dog. Come on, I got you a treat."

Baekhyun watches them go, watches as the woman pretends to run away from her dog so it could chase after her, and even in the fair distance, Baekhyun thinks he could still hear her laughter and Patty's happy barks. He gets up, dusting off his pants, and decides that it's time to take the long walk home.

"Maybe I should get myself a dog."

* * *

He furiously pats all his pockets, hoping that maybe the key would magically appear after the 7th pat, but he soon gives up and admits to himself that he will have to do the painful task of ringing the bell and waiting to find out which one of his favorite people would open the door for him.

He gets a trump card in the form of Kim Jongin, who raises a single eyebrow at him. "You're almost just in time, Baek. We haven't opened the wine yet."

"Shit, Jongin, you are a fucking life saver, I could kiss you right now," Baekhyun says in a whisper and Jongin's eyebrow shoots up further into his hair. "Damn, I was so nervous."

"Well, I'm glad I could be of help? Again?" Jongin's smiling now, already trying to pull Baekhyun into the apartment. He frowns when Baekhyun doesn't budge. "What is it now?"

"Listen, okay? I fucked up. Real bad. Real fucking bad. I can't be… around them right now," Baekhyun explains. "Can you cover for me, please? Just tell them that it wasn't me, just some pizza guy or something, and then I'll sneak into my room and send Kyungsoo a text that I'll be spending the night with Jongdae and that I'm sorry for walking out on them like that—." He gets interrupted by Jongin's abrupt snort. "What? Please don't laugh at me."

"Okay, okay, I'll cover for you," Jongin agrees, shaking his head. "But tomorrow, when we both get off from work, you'll go drinking with me and tell me what exactly happened here that got you all sweaty like that. Deal?"

Baekhyun almost groans, wiping at his forehead and discovering that he is indeed sweating a bit. He almost flips Jongin off with his finger but decides against this, fearing that he might lose his savior. "Fine, fuck, okay, I'll go. Just so you know, I'm broke, okay? And you'll have to pick me up from my workplace with your fancy ass car."

Jongin chuckles and moves so he isn't blocking Baekhyun's path to salvation. "That was the plan, sir."

Wasting no time, Baekhyun makes his escape to his room, quietly locking the door behind him and making sure no one would hear it. He makes a beeline to his small desk and grabs his phone, quickly sending a text message to Kyungsoo, and then to Jongdae so he can confirm Baekhyun's cover if someone asks. He contemplates sending one to Chanyeol but decides that he would just man up and talk to him tomorrow before they both leave for work.

Heaving a deep sigh, Baekhyun collapses on top of his bed, not bothering to change out of his clothes. He realizes that he's still wearing his slippers, which is a good thing because he would definitely die if someone found his slippers by the doorway when he's supposed to be out. He kicks them off and rolls over so he's lying on his stomach, burrowing his face into the pillows.

Baekhyun thinks that his fatal flaw is his habit of over-thinking. He acknowledges that his stomach shouldn't be knotting up like this, that he is definitely overreacting and he'll be able to fix things up with the two tomorrow when he gets the chance –and the courage– to talk to them. To Chanyeol, mostly, for lashing out on him like that. And to Kyungsoo for purposely missing dinner after the poor guy went out of his way to make spaghetti for them, for him.

And now he's over-thinking again. Maybe it doesn't really bother Chanyeol all that much that Baekhyun has feelings for him, and maybe Kyungsoo doesn't know anything about this. Maybe it wouldn't at all be awkward with Chanyeol if Baekhyun still lives with them for some time, or maybe Baekhyun won't be needing to live with them for much longer, after all.

Maybe tomorrow, when he wakes up, he'll find that he's gotten over Chanyeol.

Or maybe he's gotten over Kyungsoo.

Shut up, he commands his brain. Stop fucking thinking and let me go to sleep. Of course, as how the rest of his day went after getting the job, absolutely nothing goes his way and he doesn't manage to fall asleep until it's 2 in the morning, when he stops trying to decide whether he's feeling cold or warm.

Maybe I'm just really lonely, he thinks, before drifting off.

He dreams about getting his own place, a place where pets are allowed, because he also dreams about getting himself a dog, and wakes up thinking that maybe it would be a really good investment because he has never seen anyone that happy to see him.

* * *

Baekhyun can say that he likes reading, and he has read various stories. He has a collection of books, some e-books on his laptop, and some things that he reads on the internet. He has read a lot of fictional stories, and one thing that he really can't relate to is when the characters wake up and "can't remember anything that transpired last night", because right now he can remember absolutely everything that transpired last night.

He knows that it's still a bit early, that he can still sneak in a few minutes of sleep and not be late for work (but who cares anyway? He's going to hand in his resignation letter today) but he's unable to because of a headache that's blooming on his right temple, creating an annoying ache that he can't dispel by repeatedly changing his position. He gives up the cause and gets up into a sitting position and immediately regrets it as the pain in head almost immediately intensifies. Checking his phone with one eye, he groans when he reads 8:40 AM, meaning he only slept for about six hours and is actually just 20 minutes earlier than his alarm clock.

"The pain of a hangover without the pleasure of alcohol," he mumbles, stumbling to get to the door. He pokes his head out, checking for any telltale signs of anyone up yet like him, and finds none, so he goes to the bathroom to pee and to wash his face. He decides that he may as well start his day early so he texts Jongdae and tells him that the cover is that Baekhyun left his house at around 8 o'clock, and now there he is, already starting on breakfast.

Kyungsoo wakes up before Chanyeol, as usual, and spots Baekhyun by the kitchen counter, a plate of steaming bacon and eggs in front of him, toast in one hand and phone in the other. Baekhyun almost chokes on his bread but quickly puts his phone down and grabs his glass of orange juice.

"Hey, Soo, g'morning," he greets, already feeling bashful. "Hey, I'm really sorry about last night. I know you especially made pasta for me and I was being a dick by walking out like that because—."

"Yeah, I know, Chanyeol told me that you two had an argument and he offended you because of something stupid that he said. It's okay, Baek. We both know he can be really stupid at times," Kyungsoo says, grabbing a plate and serving himself breakfast.

Baekhyun feels a lot of different things at once, like hurt and betrayal and shame and fear but most of all he feels dread creep through his veins. "Oh, he told you?" he asks, trying to act casual about it and thanking the lord that his voice doesn't crack and he doesn't sound as nervous as he really is.

"Yeah, about the old job and the new job and stuff like that, right?"

And now Baekhyun feels relief wash over him, followed quickly by confusion. Chanyeol didn't rat him out, so it seems. "I mean, I still missed dinner and all…"

"It's okay," Kyungsoo says, standing up and heading over to the fridge where he retrieves a medium-sized bowl of the pasta. "I saved some for you, but the two dorks finished all the booze and that's not really my fault so I didn't bother doing anything about it."

"Um, wow. Thanks for saving me some of the spaghetti, I really wanted to eat it," Baekhyun says, ogling the contents of the bowl. He doesn't have the appetite for it yet, having just recovered from the feeling of his stomach dropping so low that it hit the ground, but he really does like Kyungsoo's spaghetti.

"Sure, eat it at work or something." Kyungsoo gulps down a large amount of water and looks Baekhyun dead in the eye. "And next time, even if it's like a four-person thing with cheap wine and delicious pasta, actually attend your parties, alright?"

Baekhyun grins, an actual grin, and says, "Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I'll make it up you."

"Of course you will. You're sentenced to washing the dishes for today."

They move on to talking about Baekhyun's plans and they're in the middle of discussing possible dates he might get as to when he can officially leave his current company when they hear the sound of a door opening and closing and a half-awake Chanyeol approaching them soon follows. He slumps down on the stool next to Kyungsoo and a plate of food is slid over to him, right under his nose. He starts eating the food with his bare hands and Kyungsoo actually looks disgusted for a few moments before he shakes his head and gets up to leave.

"I'm gonna go take a bath, need to be at the office early."

"I can't drop you off, Soo!" Chanyeol calls, picking at his food. "It's too early for me!"

"I can drive, you can commute!" Kyungsoo calls back, his voice reverberating from the bathroom. There's a loud thud followed by Chanyeol's sigh and Baekhyun's amused chuckle.

Then Chanyeol's raising his eyes to look at Baekhyun and the latter steels himself. "Okay, let me go first," he says. "I'm sorry. I overreacted. You have every right to kick me out of your house, Chanyeol, and I won't hold it against you. I know it must be… strange for you." When Chanyeol just continues to stare at him, Baekhyun adds, "And thank you for not telling Kyungsoo about it. I'm sorry you had to lie to him."

Chanyeol finally relents, shrugging his broad shoulders in an act of nonchalance. "It was for the best. Would have been awfully awkward here if he found out about it, and it's not really my secret, Baekhyun. I'm not the one hiding something from him."

There it is again, that feeling of immense guilt although he knows to himself that he has honestly not done anything morally wrong.

"I'm sorry, okay? I've liked you way before you started going out with him, Chanyeol. I'm not saying that it gives me any rights whatsoever, I'm just saying that if I could have gotten rid of these feelings, I would have the day you told me you liked him." He's feeling defensive again, like Chanyeol is judging him for keeping his feelings a secret, for hiding it from Kyungsoo. There's a sting in his eyes that he ignores. "I'm working on it, okay? I'm sorry."

Chanyeol seems to soften after this, the ice in his stare already melting, being replaced by something that Baekhyun hates; pity.

He's just so sick of people pitying him and being someone so pitiful.

"I'm sorry, Baek. I have this awful headache right now and I took it out on you and that wasn't fair." Chanyeol idly chews on a bacon strip, looks down at his plate and appears as though he's blushing and starting to get flustered. Perhaps only now did it dawn on him that Baekhyun has just made a blatant confession of his feelings towards him, and even revealed that it has a long standing history.

Baekhyun is quick to change the topic, forcing down a thick lump in his throat. "Hangover, hmm? That's what you get for drinking all the booze that wasn't even for you."

"Ugh, fuck it was Jongin's fault for staying for so long," Chanyeol mutters, pushing his now empty plate away. "Do you want me to do the dishes?"

Another reminder goes off in Baekhyun's head; text Jongin when he gets off from work. "No, I'll do it. Kyungsoo put me on dishwashing duties for the whole day."

"He's too soft on you," Chanyeol says, shaking his head. He clears his throat and gets up when he hears the door to the bathroom door swing open. "Thanks for breakfast, Baek. What time do you have to leave for work?"

Baekhyun collects Chanyeol's plate and moves to start on the dishes, turning his back to face him. "Uh, around 10:30. How about you?"

"Around that time too. I could drop you off," Chanyeol offers, giving Baekhyun a small smile when the latter turns to look at him, checking if he's being serious.

"Kyungsoo's going to use the car, right?" Baekhyun's eyebrows are drawn together now that he's facing away from Chanyeol again. It's not rare for Chanyeol to offer him a ride, but it's also not rare for Baekhyun to turn him down. The last thing he needs is time spent alone with Chanyeol in a small and closed space.

"I have a bike, remember?"

Oh, indeed he does remember. Baekhyun does remember that bike; a huge, black motorcycle that scared the shit out of him when he first saw it. He remembers nearly dying when he rode that thing, his arms tightly wrapped around Chanyeol's mid section. The fear almost outweighed the rapture of pressing his body so close to Chanyeol's and feeling, not hearing, Chanyeol's laughter, undeniably echoed through his own.

The next thing he says is equal parts a lie and the truth, "I'd really rather commute and get stuck in a hour-long traffic than ride that monster again. The last time I did I almost fell off and died, all because of a certain person enjoying himself too much to care about his passenger."

"Shut up, Byun Baekhyun. You loved that night and we both know it. Besides, I knew what I was doing and I got you, right? I always have, silly."

He knows that he shouldn't read deeper into that simple statement, but he can't help the warm feeling that fills his stomach and lights up his face like a Christmas decoration. He doesn't turn to face Chanyeol for multiple reasons so he keeps scrubbing the plate that should have already been drying by now.

"If you think you can use that thing in broad daylight then fine," he finally relents, faking a sigh afterwards. "Just so you know, if we get into some sort of accident then it's all on you, all the hospital expenses and Kyungsoo's wrath."

Turns out that when placed in a road with other vehicles, the monster transforms into a normal motorcycle. They glide through the traffic with ease except for a few angry honks from impatient drivers. Baekhyun's arms aren't wrapped around Chanyeol like the first time. Instead, his hands rest on Chanyeol's sides and he only grabs into the fabric of Chanyeol's jacket when they make a few sharp turns that makes Baekhyun's heart race a bit faster.

Contrary to what Baekhyun thought would be a very uncomfortable and awkward moment, the ride is spent in agreeable silence, and Baekhyun thinks that Chanyeol's body doesn't tense in response to Baekhyun's touch. Miraculously, they arrive without a single scratch, and Baekhyun is forced to look at Chanyeol's smug smile.

"I think that was safe," Chanyeol says as he gets the helmet from Baekhyun. "A lot less thrilling than the last one, though."

"A lot better, that is," Baekhyun replies, barely stopping himself from rolling his eyes at Chanyeol. "Thanks, I'll see you at home."

"Yep." Chanyeol gives him one last mock punch on his shoulder then the giant's speeding off, but the eerie roar of his bike remains in Baekhyun's head all the way into the main office where he hands in his resignation later. He is told to finish his last assignment for the company before leaving them, so he does. By the end of the day, he has all his stuff packed in a small box and is just waiting for Jongin to drive by so he can officially say "Fuck you" to Hansen Publications.

The minute he sees Jongin's black Mercedes, he's getting up from his place on the bench and walking over to the fancy car. Jongin helps him with his things, putting them in the backseat, and Baekhyun climbs into the passenger seat and waits for Jongin to get behind the wheel.

"I'm so sorry I took that long," Jongin immediately says, already driving away from the building.

"I looked like I was fired, waiting for you," he deadpans, looking at Jongin with an expression that he hopes brings across the message that he is not amused.

"Yeah, yeah, really sorry about that. It's okay, you'll forget all about it when we get to the bar. It's a really good place," Jongin assures him, glancing at him from time to time but generally keeping his eyes on the road.

"If I can't afford it then it's not that good of a place, Jongin. I'm jobless."

"It's on me, Byunbaek. You're gonna pay me something else."

Even from this angle, Baekhyun can clearly see the teasing smile set on Jongin's lips and he pretends to gag. "That sounds so wrong and so fucking inappropriate."

They exchange a few banters, Jongin always laughing and smiling at him, being a good sport. That's what Baekhyun likes the most about him; he almost never gets mad, or at least Baekhyun has never seen him mad and he has never been mad at Baekhyun. They arrive at their destination and, even from the outside, Baekhyun can tell that the place isn't like one of the cheap bars that he and Chanyeol used to go to during their university days.

When they get inside, Baekhyun is more than relieved when he sees that the place isn't packed with people yet. There are still a few vacant tables and a lot of seats available by the bar, and only a handful of people occupy the dance floor; the music isn't heavy on the bass part so they're just swaying and slightly raising their arms and making silly gestures with their hands while conversing and drinking.

Jongin leads Baekhyun to the bar and they sit by the far end, a good three stools away from another customer. The bartender quickly attends to them and, in a few minutes, they each have their drinks.

"So, cheers to getting the job or cheers to being jobless?" Jongin asks, already holding up his glass.

Baekhyun shakes his head and bumps his glass with Jongin's. "To me potentially getting a better life."

Jongin laughs at him, downing a quarter of his martini. "You're such a little ball of positivity, I just love it."

"I try," Baekhyun lamely says, noting to himself the change of the music into a parade of slow and dirty songs. He avoids looking at the dance floor from then on.

"You didn't get busted, right?" Jongin casually asks, resting his chin on his hand.

"I didn't, thankfully." There's a pause in which Baekhyun remembers something and contemplates whether he should talk to Jongin about it or not. He looks at his glass and gulps down a generous amount, the familiar burning sensation travelling down his throat to give his stomach a pleasant warmth. "Can I ask you something?"

"Well the plan was that I'm gonna do the asking and you're gonna do the answering but okay, shoot."

He downs the rest of his drink before asking, "Are my feelings for Chanyeol obvious?"

Jongin raises an eyebrow, a smirk pulling at the corner of his lips. "Whoa. Where'd that come from?"

Baekhyun shrugs, pouring himself another glass. "Apparently it was obvious enough that even he noticed."

Jongin stares at Baekhyun's refilled glass, and then at Baekhyun's face. He seems to think about the answer, toying around with the cubes of ice in his own glass. "During high school, I think everyone thought that you two were going to end up dating each other," he starts. "The four of us, we were the closest, right? You and Chanyeol… me and Kyungsoo."

Baekhyun doesn't react, doesn't show any indication that he understood what Jongin was hinting at. He just sits there and listens, lets the other man speak.

"And then things happened, and suddenly they're spending a lot of time together and then everyone was expecting them to get together and they did. I think that maybe for an outsider, it would look like you were just genuinely happy for them but, as your friends, we knew that wasn't entirely the case."

And that applies to you, too, Baekhyun thinks. "So do you think Kyungsoo knows?"

"Possibly," Jongin allows, refilling his glass. "Did he ever say anything about it? Like, when he and Chanyeol told us, did you and Kyungsoo ever talk about it?"

"No. He never mentioned anything that had me thinking he knew about it so I assumed that he didn't."

"Then maybe he really doesn't know about it. He doesn't mention anything to me about it, so maybe we're right."

They're silent for a while, the both of them. Jongin has his eyes trained on something that the bartender is doing, and Baekhyun has turned to nursing his drink. After a few more moments of silence, Jongin speaks up again.

"Are my feelings for Kyungsoo obvious?"

Baekhyun's almost taken aback, except he thinks he was subconsciously waiting for that. "That's debatable, really, especially now that I had it confirmed directly by you."

"That's true."

It's lonely, really. Right now, it's not only himself that he feels sad for, but he also feels sad for his companion. He also thinks that it's almost silly, almost unbelievable, how the two people that they like are together, and there they are, drinking while speculating about it like high school girls.

"Do you think it's awful how I wish you'd end up with Chanyeol?" Jongin wonders out loud, his expression unreadable despite the smile that he flashes at Baekhyun. "Do you think we'd both be happy then? Do you think they'll be happy with us?"

"Yes, and I think it's awful how I wish you'd end up with Kyungsoo," Baekhyun answers, shrugging his shoulders. "I… don't know if we'd be happy then, and I don't know if they'll be happy with us because they fairly look happy with each other already."

There's a pregnant pause before Jongin lets out a quiet laugh. "Well, that's depressing."

"It is," Baekhyun agrees. "Especially when you're living with them." He realizes that there's a strain in his voice so he clears his throat and takes small sips of his drink.

Jongin looks at him, stares at him, sporting a soft smile. "That thing that you said last night, is that still valid?"

"I said I lot of things last night, Jongin. You have to be a bit more specific."

Nothing really changes, in Baekhyun's perspective. There's no difference with the way Jongin looks at him, or the set of his lips in that cheeky smile. The music's still the same, or maybe Baekhyun just really wasn't paying attention, but it takes him a while to answer to what Jongin says next.

"Can I get that kiss now?"


	2. the endless nights

"_Can I get that kiss now?"_

And he does. Jongin does get that kiss when he leads Baekhyun to the club's small bathroom and locks the door behind them. He gets that kiss when Baekhyun meets his lips midway, when Baekhyun reaches out to grab the back of his head to crash their mouths together. He gets that kiss when he pushes Baekhyun back up against a wall, trapping him between his arms.

Baekhyun thinks that Jongin is unsurprisingly a good kisser, with the way he puts just the right amount of pressure in the kiss, just the right amount of lip bites, and just the right amount of tongue. The make out isn't sloppy, almost professional in a way, and it makes heat pool in Baekhyun's stomach. Jongin tastes like alcohol, tastes like a man, and he finds the bitter taste befitting of their situation.

They swallow each other's gasps, small moans of pleasure, and every word that they decide to keep unspoken. Things are lost in the kiss, but Baekhyun finds that he can think straight, think about how much this will change everything, about how he could maybe just live with this.

They break away, and Baekhyun is left to stumble around his thoughts while Jongin eyes him, gaze intense. What should he say now? What should he do? It gets harder to focus when Chanyeol decides to pop into his head, and it gets harder to pull Jongin into another kiss when Baekhyun starts thinking about kissing Chanyeol instead.

He was wrong; he can't live with just this.

They don't kiss again, don't venture into something that they both know they'd end up regretting. The first kiss was enough evidence, perhaps for the both of them, that they're far in too deep, have fallen too deep for people that they could never have. It hurts, at least for Baekhyun, because he would gladly accept any method of moving on, would gladly accept help from anyone regarding this issue.

He just wants to be happy.

Baekhyun climbs into the car and waits for Jongin. They drive in silence, the realization heavy in the air. Maybe they were both hoping that they'd click together, that they'd help each other. Maybe in a way, this could also be their very own heartbreak from each other, because it certainly feels like one.

He just wants to feel a little less lonely.

He thanks Jongin for the drinks, the night, and the ride back home. They're not tense when they say their goodbyes and good nights to each other, and Baekhyun feels a slight ache in his chest when he watches Jongin's car speed away. He thinks about how easy it would be to fall in love with Jongin, how easy it would be to love Jongin, be in love with Jongin, _be with Jongin._

The air is crisp and chilly and, for a while, Baekhyun just stands there, watching his breath turn into pretty clouds of white. _Christmas,_ he thinks. _Maybe I can get myself a muffler. _

Baekhyun finds himself very busy in his new work environment, working as their only cartoonist and illustrator. Because his new company wants him to become part of the magazine team, he gets help from senior graphic designers about graphic designing and a few lessons about digital arts. He leaves for work early in the morning and gets home late in the evening, and he barely sees Kyungsoo and Chanyeol around.

"You sure they're not overworking you?" Kyungsoo asks him one morning. Baekhyun was getting ready to leave while Kyungsoo had just woken up. "Are you even eating properly?"

"I make breakfast, I eat lunch, and I get to eat late dinner all thanks to you," Baekhyun replies, finishing his coffee. "You can stop worrying about me, Soo, I'll be fine. They're opening a lot of new doors for me and I'm just really… excited? Yeah, that could be it."

He doesn't mention how he's glad that he's so busy that he doesn't have to stay up at night trying to get some sleep. Nowadays, once his head hits a pillow, he's a goner. Honestly, though, he's content with how he lives his life; he wakes up, gets ready for work, goes to work, gets home, eats, goes to sleep, repeat.

His current lifestyle doesn't give way to over thinking and worrying about things. He's just too busy for that, and he's thankful.

He's also too busy for things like holidays and merry-making, much to his friends' apparent disappointment.

"Baek, what do you want for Christmas?"

Baekhyun doesn't bother to lift his head from the article he's reading when he replies, "You don't have to get me anything."

"It's for the Secret Santa thing I mentioned before, actually. I'm making the wish list so no one just buys random shit. You didn't forget about it, did you?"

He finally looks up at Chanyeol who has his arms crossed over his chest, a small notepad in his hand. In all honesty, Baekhyun did forget. "No, I was just thinking that the others won't give a fuck about a wish list, they'd probably buy a prank gift or something."

"Well, hope that you get lucky and get picked by Suho, or maybe Luhan, or maybe Yixing. You could ask for a car and they'd probably give it to you."

"Then write that down for me," Baekhyun says. "Got nothing to lose, right?"

Chanyeol rolls his eyes but he does write something down on his notepad. "Right. I'll post this online so you can see it later."

"Shut up, you can show me now."

Baekhyun snatches away the list and reads it, his eyebrow arching steadily higher. "Jongdae wants a tiger, you want a bunch of dogs, and Sehun wants a trip for two to Italy?" he asks Chanyeol, his voice colored with disbelief.

"Well, you want a new car," Chanyeol chides, shrugging.

"The most realistic thing on this list is Kyungsoo's new vacuum cleaner. Did you break the old one?"

Chanyeol makes a point of taking his notepad back and turning away from Baekhyun, muttering something under his breath that sounded like, "Why does everyone blame me about broken things?"

Baekhyun watches Chanyeol retreat into his and Kyungsoo's room, shutting the door behind him.

"Like broken hearts."

* * *

He has never been a killjoy, that's one thing that Baekhyun knows for sure. In fact, he has always considered himself the life of the party, always up to whatever his peers wanted to do, always trying to impress people with his poor dancing skills, always trying to make people laugh, always fun to be around. Right now, he might as well be sucking the life out of the party by sucking on his straw.

It's not like he doesn't know where his friends are; it would be quite difficult to lose them when Baekhyun could hear them from where he's sitting by the bar. He could tell that there is currently a group of obnoxious men dancing in the middle of the dance floor, shouting to just about every song that came on, and he could tell that that group of obnoxious men is his group minus him.

Why he's being such a loner, drinking by himself while the others have fun, is beyond him. He spots Jongin in the crowd, saying something into Kyungsoo's ear before heading over to where Baekhyun is. He smiles at Baekhyun and steals Baekhyun's drink from his hand.

He takes a generous gulp and immediately makes a face. "What the fuck are you drinking, Baekhyun? No, scratch that. What the fuck are you doing over here?"

"It's strawberry milk," Baekhyun retorts, taking his glass back. "I'm here to supervise you kids so you don't end up doing crazy shit. Someone needs to be sober, after all." After saying this, Baekhyun observes Jongin, taking in his appearance. His hair is a bit messy and there are beads of sweat travelling down his neck, disappearing under the silky fabric of his black shirt. Baekhyun doesn't even stop himself when he thinks about their previous episode in a fancy club's bathroom.

"That's Kyungsoo's job," Jongin tells him, using his hand to push back the hair over his forehead. "Come on and have fun, Baek."

Oh, right. They're both in love with someone else, him and Jongin. And Baekhyun could see the object of his affection making his way to the bar, looking pissed.

"Baek, what the fuck are you doing?" Chanyeol immediately asks once he gets within earshot. "Are you a nanny? Get in the dance floor with us."

"That's what I've been trying to get him to do," Jongin quips, shaking his head. "I'm sure you can handle this grandma."

Jongin leaves Baekhyun alone with Chanyeol who stares at Baekhyun with a single eyebrow raised. "Well? Are you coming or what?"

"I don't know, Yeol, I think I'll just sit here. I'm really not in the mood to dance right now." It's the truth, Baekhyun decides, looking over Chanyeol's shoulder. The amount of people grinding into other people's crotches, sweaty bodies, and intoxicated morons, overwhelms him and he turns away.

"Fine, then I'm sitting here with you." Chanyeol takes the seat next to Baekhyun and calls the bartender.

"What? No, get out of here and go join them, you stupid butthole," Baekhyun demands, spinning around in his seat to face Chanyeol. "You don't have to join me here, I'm perfectly happy with my solitude."

"You look perfectly happy getting drunk, I'm envious, so I'm going to copy you and do the same." Chanyeol orders a bottle of beer for himself, still bobbing his head to the music.

"I'm not even getting drunk, this is just spiked strawberry milk," Baekhyun argues, glaring at Chanyeol's cheek. "Besides, I don't want you here. You make me feel lonely."

Chanyeol gets his beer and takes an experimental sip before taking a larger gulp. "But I thought you enjoy solitude?"

"Yeah, but you being here makes me lonelier than when I was all alone." He needs to shut up. "You make me lonely by just presenting me with your presence, you fucking prick." Why can't he just shut his mouth? Maybe the strawberry milk is a little _too_ spiked.

Chanyeol has the nerve to smile at him, flashing him a perfect set of white teeth. "But I used to make you so happy, right? I'd like to go back to those times."

Baekhyun feels sick all of a sudden. His stomach feels too warm and he starts praying that the dancing lights would conceal the redness on his face. He feels like a huge smile might tear his mouth open, yet he also feels like he could just break down and cry. Chanyeol isn't supposed to be making him feel the butterflies, but there they are, flying around his stomach.

"Too bad we can't," Baekhyun replies. He's about to say more when someone throws an arm around him and Chanyeol, causing him to almost jump from his seat.

"After party at your place, giant. Time for the presents!" Jongdae shouts, excitedly trying to pry them off their seats.

Baekhyun starts to pull out his wallet but Chanyeol stops him, saying that he'd pay for them both. Baekhyun already has his mouth open, ready to argue, but Jongdae pulls on him harder, practically dragging him away. He watches Chanyeol finish his beer then hand the bartender a couple of bills before joining them. Baekhyun glares at him and he only stares back.

"I can pay for my own drink, you know?" Baekhyun shouts over the music. Chanyeol has to lean down to hear him. "It was one glass of fucking overly spiked strawberry milk!"

They continue walking towards the exit, the music steadily getting louder as they near the dance floor. Baekhyun sees Chanyeol laughing and then he swoops down to talk directly into Baekhyun's ear. "Shut the fuck up, Byun Baekhyun, you fucking grumpy wart."

Baekhyun wants to tell Chanyeol that it is the worst insult he has ever heard and that the tall idiot should try to become more creative with his words but Baekhyun feels a large hand rest on the small of his back, guiding him forward. He doesn't need to check if it's Chanyeol, because he's fairly sure of it already.

He rides with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo in their car, sharing the backseat with Jongdae. The two of them end up playing a game of chess on Jongdae's phone and Baekhyun is just about to beat him with Chanyeol announces that they've arrived.

"I was this close to owning your ass, Kim Jongdae," Baekhyun says as he climbs out the car, Jongdae following right behind him.

"Too bad you didn't," Jongdae says, laughing. He throws his arm around Baekhyun's shoulder and they enter the apartment building together. The others start filling in soon after, some taking up the space on the couches, some on bean bags, and others sitting on the floor.

Baekhyun thinks it's somehow nice to be back in this kind of scene, hanging out with his friends like this. It's comforting to see them all gathered inside Kyungsoo and Chanyeol's apartment, making playful banter among themselves. Kyungsoo serves them some snacks and beer and everyone cheers. Baekhyun admits to himself that he missed this; having fun, hearing his friends laugh, _hearing himself laugh._

Jongdae moves that they open the presents and Luhan seconds him, so Chanyeol retrieves a big cargo box from their room and places it in the center of the living room. He pulls out a present and someone claims that it's from him, and then he proceeds to give it to the person he picked. The person who receives the present picks out his own present, this goes on until everybody has their own gifts in hand, and they open it all at once.

Baekhyun receives a racecar toy from Jongdae and he finds that it isn't even all that surprising. It's actually a good toy, one that he would have wanted if he was younger, so he dances around the room to portray how happy he is with his present, kissing Jongdae on the cheek when he passes him. It gets a good laugh out of everyone, even him, and the heavy feeling on his chest lightens just a bit.

Around one in the morning, the others decide to go home. Kyungsoo nags them about driving safe and making sure that no one puts Jongdae and Sehun behind the wheels, to which everyone agrees. They promise Kyungsoo that they won't get into an accident and Kyungsoo walks them outside.

Chanyeol helps Baekhyun clean up, throwing away disposables and clearing the dishes for Baekhyun to wash. They're halfway done when Kyungsoo comes back up.

"Do you two need any help?" he offers, rolling up the sleeves of his sweater.

Chanyeol waves him off. "Go rest, you've done enough today. Thanks for your hard work, Soo."

Kyungsoo shrugs. "It was nothing. Thanks for the vacuum cleaner, Baekhyun. You're the best." He greets them again and then retreats to his and Chanyeol's room, shutting the door behind him.

Baekhyun goes back to washing the dishes and Chanyeol cleans up the living room. They work in relative silence, Baekhyun just wanting to finish the clean up as fast as possible. When he's done with the dishes and he has deemed the kitchen clean to Kyungsoo's standards, he saunters off to the living room and plops down on the couch. Chanyeol's already there, toying with a simple four by four Rubik's cube. It's part of Wufan's gift; a set of very complicated-looking Rubik's cubes that Baekhyun would definitely stay away from.

"Wow, I think I wanna smoke," Baekhyun absentmindedly says, staring out the glass window behind the TV. "It looks real nice outside."

"Wanna have a snowball fight?" Chanyeol offers, still fiddling with his toy. He looks up at Baekhyun and smiles. "You don't smoke, Baek."

"Right now? Nah, I'm too cold." Baekhyun rubs his hands together and blows at them, trying to keep them warm. "And it would just be one cigarette, Yeol. It won't kill anyone."

Chanyeol just laughs at him, setting the puzzle down and looking out the window too. "Wow, it really looks nice."

"It does," Baekhyun agrees.

"It looks beautiful," Chanyeol adds. "And lonely."

Baekhyun doesn't really expect it, so he's fairly surprised to see Chanyeol looking at him when he turns to look at Chanyeol. He isn't entirely sure if Chanyeol's still describing the snow, but he vainly hopes that he isn't. "Does it?"

Perhaps he should have stopped Chanyeol when the latter reached out a hand to cradle his face. Perhaps he shouldn't have angled his face to meet Chanyeol's advances. Perhaps he should have felt guilty when their lips touched. Perhaps he shouldn't have kissed back.

He thinks that perhaps they should be stopping now, but when they do, he feels terribly cold once again.

"Why?" he breathes out, so scared that Kyungsoo might hear that one simple word, that one simple question. _"Why?"_

And it hurts how Chanyeol looks so conflicted, his hand slipping away until he himself eventually draws away from Baekhyun.

_It's so cold,_ Baekhyun thinks as he waits for Chanyeol's answer.

"I just..." Chanyeol starts, eyes darting around the room. "_You_ just… you just looked so lonely Baek."

Pity, it's always pity. Chanyeol always pities Baekhyun, and Baekhyun always ends up pitying himself.

"And so beautiful," Chanyeol adds. "So lonely and so beautiful. You looked like you needed that kiss. You looked like you needed someone to love you."

The world never stops spinning, Baekhyun knows. It's stupid to say that time could somehow stop for someone. The snow keeps falling outside, the world keeps spinning, time keeps moving, but it feels like everything else has paused. Everything that comes out of Chanyeol's mouth is like a small fire from lighting up a match stick, thawing away the cold surrounding Baekhyun.

"You looked like you needed me to love you, Baekhyun."

* * *

It's not hard, really. Pretending that nothing happened that night isn't as hard as Baekhyun thought it would be. He goes about his days like he would normally do, and Chanyeol does the same as far as Baekhyun can tell. It's probably the right thing to do; to simply avoid bringing the topic up and to avoid each other all together.

It's the right thing to do but Baekhyun feels so wrong. He feels like he's doing everything wrong, like he drew something wrong, or made his coffee wrong, or said the wrong thing at the wrong time. He feels like everything he does is a mistake, like what he's doing is a mistake, and all the things that he plans to do will all turn out to be mistakes.

It's funny how one mistake, one thing gone wrong, could change everything in his perspective. Kissing Chanyeol was not the right thing to do, he knows that for sure, but it also seems like everything he does after that or in response to that one moment is all going to be another mistake that he'll end up regretting.

The high that he felt when he had his lips latched to Chanyeol's is something that he can never explain, but what followed is something that he knows all too well. It's like watching a newly built sand castle get washed away by the unforgiving waves, and you can't blame anyone because it had been your mistake to build it there, it had been your miscalculation. It's that feeling of misery when you think that all your effort has gone to waste, that everything ends there, but it doesn't. The world continues to spin, time continues to run, and nothing pauses for anything or anyone who stumbles behind.

Baekhyun needs a break, that's another thing he knows for sure. He needs a remote control so he could hit pause, so everything would stop for a while, and then he could arrange his thoughts and clear his mind. He'd be able to decide if ignoring Chanyeol is better than talking to him, if avoiding confrontation is better than initiating it.

If going around in circles is better than hearing Chanyeol say that it had been a mistake on his part, that he shouldn't have done that, that Baekhyun should just forget all about it.

He's scared of closure, he admits. He's scared that his one big chance was never even a chance to begin with, just another mistake that they both regret, albeit presumably for different reasons.

Two knocks on the door has him sitting upright, the water in the tub sloshing around with his movement. How long has he been inside the bathroom, ten minutes, twenty? He can't really tell, but he doesn't want to inconvenience anyone just because he has been having inner monologues with himself inside the bathtub, so he carefully gets up and reaches for his towel.

"Give me a second!" he calls out, wiping his body dry before wrapping the towel around his waist. He opens the door and finds Chanyeol looming over him, eyes fixed on a spot on Baekhyun's cheek. "Ah. Sorry for taking so long."

"No worries," Chanyeol replies, his low voice sending a shiver down Baekhyun's spine.

Baekhyun tries to tell himself that it's just from being exposed to the cold and not because he has been dying to hear Chanyeol's voice again. He catches himself biting his lip so he quickly moves to get past Chanyeol, muttering "Excuse me," under his breath. He makes his escape and retreats to his room, closing the door behind him.

He's leaning on his desk, using both hands to support his weight, when he hears the door open behind him. There're no knocks this time, just the sound of the door swinging open and then closing again with a final click.

He almost doesn't turn around to face Chanyeol.

"Hey, I know it's your place and all that but would it really hurt you to knock?" Baekhyun asks, scratching his head. "You know, privacy and shit like that. Guess we should have made some sort of contract, huh?"

"Baekhyun, let's talk," Chanyeol calmly says, a polite smile on his face. "Do you want to get dressed first?"

"Nah, I don't think we need to talk." Baekhyun moves forward, reaching for the door. "But yes, I would like to get dressed now, thank you very much for leaving."

He doesn't get a chance to grab the doorknob, the hand on his arm stopping him. Chanyeol's grip is borderline painful and causes Baekhyun to wince.

"Why not, Baek?" Chanyeol questions him, the grip on his arm unrelenting.

"Because I just don't want to, okay? Let me go. I don't want to talk." Baekhyun's teeth are gritted, he realizes. He tries pulling his arm away but Chanyeol only pulls him closer. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"Then what do you want?"

It's like getting asked what you want as a birthday gift, or what you want for the holidays. Baekhyun tells himself that these sorts of questions are hard to answer because he doesn't have anything particular in mind, that anything would do, but he knows that that's just not the case right now. He finds it hard to answer Chanyeol because there are too many things in his head, too many things he knows he wants.

He wants to have a place of his own so he won't have to live with them, so he won't have to see Chanyeol happy with someone else. He also wants to be happy himself. He wants to feel less lonely, less cold. He wants to be able to love someone else, he wants to fall in love with Jongin instead and he wants Jongin to fall in love with him. He wants to move on.

Yet he also wants Chanyeol. More than anything, he just wants Chanyeol. He wants Chanyeol for himself, he wants Chanyeol to want him and not Kyungsoo. He wants Chanyeol to look at him more often; he wants to feel Chanyeol gazing at him for longer periods of time.

He wants Chanyeol to love him, that's one obvious thing.

"I want you to kiss me," Baekhyun murmurs, feeling his arm relax. "I want you to kiss me again."

Chanyeol doesn't respond, doesn't move for a few moments. He just keeps his eyes on Baekhyun's face, his expression unreadable. He drops Baekhyun's arm and then takes the slighter male's face in his large hands, rubbing Baekhyun's cheek with his thumb.

"Are you doing that on purpose?"

Baekhyun wants to ask Chanyeol what he meant by that but the warm feeling is slowly returning, starting from the point where their mouths meet and spreading all over his body like wildfire. It's pleasant, Baekhyun thinks. Even more so when he feels Chanyeol's lips move against his. He finds his hand stuck in Chanyeol's mess of a hair, the other clutching the front of the taller man's shirt.

He doesn't remember how naked he is until he feels Chanyeol's hand slip away from his face, and then there's a strong arm wrapping around his waist to pull him closer. It feels undeniably good and he finds himself kissing Chanyeol with a tinge of desperation, his tongue probing at the other's mouth to give him access which he is quickly granted.

How long has he been fantasizing about this moment? How many times has he jerked off to the thought of tasting Chanyeol? Too many times, most probably. Too many times for his own good.

He shudders, gasping against Chanyeol's mouth. He lets out a low moan when Chanyeol grabs him by the hips, suddenly very aware of his erection. Apparently aware of it too, Chanyeol starts playing with the towel wrapped around Baekhyun.

He bites Baekhyun's lip and abruptly takes hold of Baekhyun's undeniable hard-on, eliciting a soft whimper from him. Baekhyun breaks away from the kiss when Chanyeol starts stroking him, resting his head on the tall male's broad shoulder. Chanyeol flicks his wrist and that has Baekhyun biting into his shoulder, trying to contain the sinful sounds that he knew he would end up letting out.

Chanyeol handles him all too well. Every pump of his fist around Baekhyun's cock has Baekhyun shivering in pleasure, hands finding purchase on Chanyeol's shirt. When Chanyeol's other hand reaches around to grab Baekhyun's ass, the latter almost loses it. He feels his legs go jelly when Chanyeol probes around his puckering hole and he's on the verge of cumming when Chanyeol suddenly releases him, pushing him away.

For a moment, Baekhyun's scared. Terrified, even. He doesn't want to look up and see Chanyeol's expression, worried that it'd be the last straw for him if he sees how disgusted Chanyeol is, but he can't help it.

Instead of disgust, though, Baekhyun sees lust painted all over Chanyeol's face. He immediately goes hard again, his eyebrows drawing together and his mouth hanging open, waiting for Chanyeol to do something.

"Get on top of the bed," Chanyeol says, voice incredibly low and throaty.

Baekhyun's heart races in his chest. He feels the beating all over his body and hears it loudly in his ears as he makes his way over to his bed, lying down on his back and looking up at Chanyeol.

_Fuck, I'm so hard._

For a while, Chanyeol just watches him until Baekhyun starts to squirm a little, anticipation and anxiety mixing up in his system. He bites his lip when Chanyeol moves towards him, hands already working on his pants. The bed dips with Chanyeol's added weight, positioning himself on his knees, in between Baekhyun's legs so he's hovering over Baekhyun. He leans over to plant wet kisses on his neck, licking a wet stripe all the way up to Baekhyun's ear. His hand snakes down to pull off the towel and then he grasps Baekhyun's cock again, playing with the head teasingly and smearing precum on the shaft.

Baekhyun doesn't even notice it when Chanyeol pulls out his own dick from his underwear, only finding out when Chanyeol grabs his hand and guides it so it closes around Chanyeol's swollen length.

"You feel that, Baek?" he asks, mouth still pressed to Baekhyun's ear. "You got me real bad." He pulls away and laughs when Baekhyun makes a whining sound when he has to let go of Chanyeol's cock. Chanyeol makes it up to him by placing a finger on his hole, slowly circling it while pumping Baekhyun's dick faster. A finger inches in and Baekhyun has to squeeze his eyes shut.

He's no virgin; he's tried doing it with a girl a couple of times and has tried topping a male a few times now, but most of his relationships always found him in the bottom position. This kind of thing isn't new to him, but perhaps it's the fact that it's finally Chanyeol doing it to him that helps him ease through the pain of getting prepared without any form of lube. A second finger enters him, then a third.

He can tell that Chanyeol, too, is very much experienced with this kind of thing.

He's panting by the time Chanyeol pulls out his fingers. He spits on his hand and pumps his length while watching Baekhyun, and then he repeats the process one more time before positioning himself over Baekhyun's entrance.

Chanyeol looks oddly focused as he inches inside Baekhyun, his lips caught between his teeth and his eyebrows drawn together in concentration. He doesn't immediately move, breathing heavily and letting the both of them adjust to each other.

The knocks on Baekhyun's door freezes the both of them in place. "Baek? Do you know where Chanyeol is?"

Baekhyun instinctively grabs Chanyeol's arms, hoping to hold him in place. He doesn't want this to end, although the reality of the situation is rapidly closing in on him. What they're doing is wrong, a betrayal from them both, yet he doesn't have the will to let Chanyeol go.

He almost opens his mouth to beg for him to stay when Chanyeol suddenly moves and thrusts into him. Baekhyun almost lets out an audible gasp, but Chanyeol's hand is already there, covering his mouth. He removes it and jerks his head, motioning to the door.

He wants Baekhyun to say something to Kyungsoo.

"I think he went out," Baekhyun calls out, surprised at how normal his voice sounds. Chanyeol thrusts into him again and he has to swallow hard before continuing. "Said something about running to the convenience store."

He hears Kyungsoo thank him and then a door opens and closes. Baekhyun doesn't have time to wonder whether Kyungsoo went back to their room or went out because Chanyeol suddenly picks up his pace, thrusting into Baekhyun in earnest.

Baekhyun is aware of how much of a mess he is, both emotionally and physically. In the back of his head, he's already thinking about how all of this might end, how he'll probably get kicked out of the house, how he'll ruin Chanyeol and Kyungsoo's relationship, how he'll be ending his friendship with them. On the forefront of his mind, he's thinking about how good he feels, how good Chanyeol feels inside of him.

He's also thinking about how shitty he probably looks right now, his mouth hanging open like a yapping dog and his eyes occasionally rolling into his head whenever Chanyeol hits that certain spot. He brings up his arms to cover his face but Chanyeol doesn't sit well with this, groaning and grabbing both of Baekhyun's arms away from his face, pinning them down on either side of Baekhyun's face.

He tilts his head from side to side, trying to conceal his face from Chanyeol. The latter clicks his tongue at him and says in a growl-like manner, "Look at me, Baekhyun."

He doesn't know why, but hearing Chanyeol order him like that send a jolt of pleasure all throughout his body and he ends up following Chanyeol's command. Baekhyun looks up at Chanyeol and he bites his lip when Chanyeol starts pounding into him even faster, his movements almost erratic in nature.

"Why do you have to be so…" Chanyeol pauses mid-speech, pulling back almost all the way out and then thrusting in hard, "So fucking beautiful?"

It's nothing, really. Baekhyun has been called many things, ranging from an array of insults to compliments. 'Beautiful' isn't something that is said to him often, and he thinks this is because no one really sees anything in him to call him that. He thinks that if someone like Jongdae, or maybe even Jongin, called him beautiful, he would just laugh it off. His heart wouldn't race abnormally, his cheeks wouldn't flame up, and he wouldn't feel the almost painful coil of pleasure in his stomach finally release something in him.

As he comes –and he comes really hard– he admits to himself that he's feeling all these things because it's Chanyeol calling him that. It Chanyeol's who's looking at him, it's Chanyeol appreciating him enough to call him _beautiful._

It's Chanyeol. Only Chanyeol.

With his release, he feels his hole tighten around Chanyeol's dick, egging the man to thrust into him faster. Baekhyun can tell that he's almost desperate for his own release with the way his eyebrows are mashed together and his mouth is set into a tight line.

Chanyeol swoops down and latches his lips to Baekhyun's, kissing him and biting his lips hard. He moves down to Baekhyun's neck and peppers the area with kisses before returning to his lips.

"I'm so close, Baek. I'm so close," he whispers against Baekhyun's lips, licking the swollen part where he bit too hard. He comes with one final thrust, painting Baekhyun's insides white.

For a while, no one says anything. The room is steamy and almost completely quiet except for the sound of their heavy breathing, exchanged with one another as they stared into each other's eyes.

Chanyeol is the first to move, given their position. He gets off Baekhyun and sits on the side of the bed, cradling his face in both hands. The gravity of the situations starts to weigh down on Baekhyun's shoulders, pushing him down, making him unable to move. He just watches Chanyeol, back turned to him, and hopes that things aren't completely broken between the two of them.

"We shouldn't have done this," Chanyeol finally says, raising his head from his hands. He still doesn't look at Baekhyun, a painful contrast to how they were just a few minutes ago, to how he treated Baekhyun. "This is all wrong."

"I know," Baekhyun agrees. He tries to ignore the physical pain his chest, the tears rapidly forming in his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Chanyeol gets up, fixes his clothes, and then strides to the door. He stands there, listening, most probably checking if Kyungsoo's outside, then he pulls the door open and closes it quietly behind him.

And just like that, Baekhyun's all alone again. What did Chanyeol use to describe him that time? _Lonely, and beautiful._ It's almost funny how Chanyeol could make him feel so beautiful one moment, then step out of his life and make him feel so lonely the next. _Beautiful, and lonely. _

_Maybe it's for the best that this happened,_ he thinks as he curls into himself. _Maybe this is that slap I deserve, that wake up slap that I never got._

Knowing that Chanyeol regrets holding him is one thing. There's the pain of rejection, although Chanyeol hasn't outright rejected him yet. In fact, Chanyeol wanted him, right? It doesn't matter what triggered that moment, it doesn't matter when Chanyeol started seeing him like that. All that matters is that at some point, in some fleeting moment, Chanyeol had wanted him, Chanyeol had been looking at him, Chanyeol had been _his._

Knowing that if Kyungsoo ever finds out, he would never forgive Baekhyun, is another thing. Knowing that he is the other person, that he's calling someone else's property his, that he's that type of person, is something that he accepts with a small stab to his chest. Knowing that he let Chanyeol cheat on Kyungsoo, that he's the one Chanyeol cheated with, that Chanyeol must hate him now and Kyungsoo would eventually hate him too when he finds out, all of these are things that Baekhyun think he can never, ever forget. Things that would haunt him when he's still awake at 2 AM and when he's at work at 2 PM.

In a way, he deserves this. Baekhyun knows that he had messed up, but he can't fully bring himself to regret that. How can he regret it when he's still savoring Chanyeol's kisses, Chanyeol's moans? How can he honestly say that he wishes it never happened when it has always been everything that he's ever wanted?

It's like how white shows how dark black is—maybe happiness only exists to make you feel how broken you really are.

* * *

Life would be a lot easier if he didn't have a conscience. He would be able to talk to Kyungsoo and not feel like the other knows what had transpired and, for that, like he's always silently judging Baekhyun for all the shit he's been doing. Life would be a lot easier if Baekhyun doesn't think that he deserves to be judged by Kyungsoo, that Kyungsoo's judgment is the best thing that could happen to him now.

But Kyungsoo never says anything, and Baekhyun never knows what to do around him, _around them._ He hasn't talked to Chanyeol ever since the guy walked out his bedroom door, and Baekhyun thought that it was somehow a metaphor of Chanyeol walking out his life. Problem is, it's not even really Baekhyun's, that bedroom, and he's only borrowing it. He thinks that's another metaphor of how pathetic he is and how he doesn't even have a life to begin with for Chanyeol to walk out of.

He thinks life would be easier if he could at least pretend to be okay, even if it was just around Chanyeol. It would be easier for the both of them to just forget what happened, to pretend that they haven't made love to each other while Kyungsoo was probably just in the other room. But Baekhyun isn't okay, and he can't pretend to be okay, he can't forget about it, and he can't pretend that it never happened. Some part of him thinks that maybe he's doing it on purpose; maybe he's really trying to get Chanyeol to pity him.

It's during times like these, slow and uneventful afternoons in the office, that he can't help but let his mind stray to places it should only wander into when it's two o'clock in the morning. He only notices the figure hanging around the walls of his cubicle when Baekhyun wipes away a stray tear before it could drip down his cheek.

"Tough day?" Lee Hyunjoon, one of the senior animators and Baekhyun's supervisor, asked. "Was I too rough on you today?"

"No, no," Baekhyun immediately replies. "That just now was nothing, sir. Just some… personal agenda. Sorry, it won't happen again."

Hyunjoon smiles at him, entering his cubicle and sitting on his desk. "You don't have to be so formal around here, Baekhyun. Artists are almost never formal, and you're one hell of an artist," as he says this, Hyunjoon picks up one of the sketches lying around Baekhyun's table. "If the industry was kinder, you could probably live off selling your works."

"Thank you, but I think I'll be staying here until you guys kick me out," Baekhyun jokes, returning Hyunjoon's smile.

"Drat, it didn't work, huh?" His boss is openly laughing now, dispelling some of the heavy weight on Baekhyun's chest. "Kidding aside, we're genuinely glad to have you on our team, Baekhyun. You can't leave us now."

Baekhyun laughs too, putting up his hands in mock surrender. "Shackle me down."

"Hey, hey, I hear some pretty kinky shit going on here." Lee Jihoon, one of the animators helping Baekhyun out, pops his head into the cubicle, giving Baekhyun and Hyunjoon a devious smile. "I can't believe you, Hyun."

Hyunjoon laughs and shakes his head, lightly punching Jihoon on the arm. Baekhyun thinks it's starting to get crowded in his cubicle.

"So, Baek, since we still haven't given you an official welcome party, why not join us tonight for drinks? It'll be fun, I promise. I'll be there," Jihoon tells Baekhyun, wiggling two pierced eyebrows at him.

"Out of curiosity, are you two related in anyway?" Baekhyun blurts out, staring at the two. "If that's not too much information to share," he adds, biting his lip.

"Don't worry, we get that a lot," Hyunjoon says. "It's the names, right? And I guess we kinda do look alike."

"You're flattering yourself too much," Jihoon interjects. "Really, Baekhyun? Do you really think I look anything like this person?" The two of them bicker for a bit while Baekhyun watches, slightly amused. He answers when asked but refrains from taking sides, laughing off questions like "who's sexier?" and "who teaches better?" as to avoid making the two fight even more.

"Anyway, I didn't come here to take no as an answer, so you really have to come with us," Jihoon says, turning to Baekhyun. "The tab is on the seniors, good for you kids."

"I'll go," Baekhyun replies, adding a mental note to text Kyungsoo that he won't have dinner at home. He thinks it's a good opportunity to get to know his coworkers and to get his mind off things.

They all leave together, going to the city's busier parts, where all the building were lit up with bright lights and music boomed from everywhere. They choose a big sushi and grill bar, occupying two long tables that they move so they're all eating and drinking together. Baekhyun sits next to Hyunjoon and a female coworker who's friendly enough to occasionally talk and joke with him.

They give Baekhyun the welcoming shot, lead by Jihoon, then people start cooking, passing drinks, and generally just having a good time. Baekhyun finds himself having fun, laughing really loud, teasing people and getting teased, mock flirting with Jihoon, then laughing even harder when the other man spills some of his drink on his shirt. He looks around the table and notices how everyone is dressed nicely, but almost everyone either had a tattoo, a piercing, or very vividly colored hair. Baekhyun himself thinks that his blonde mop is starting to get boring, even for him. He turns to the girl sitting beside him, Hyesung, for her opinion.

"I think it looks really good, actually. What color do you have in mind?" she asks, running a hand through Baekhyun's hair. "Oh, I wasn't expecting it to be that soft."

"Thanks, I don't really have an idea, maybe red? Or something dark," Baekhyun murmurs, twisting a lock of his bangs with his finger.

"Why do I have this wild idea that you'd look really hot with black hair?" Hyujung says, staring really hard at Baekhyun. "Listen, you up for something crazy?"

"Depends, what's the big plan?" Baekhyun asks, his answer already on the tip of his tongue.

"My apartment is literally so close, just a five-minute walk from here, more or less. I'll do your hair for you, if you want," she offers, eyes big and bright with anticipation.

Baekhyun doesn't really see a problem with it, only that it might be rude to leave with her especially when he's so new to the group. Hyesung seems to understand this, grinning at him then turning to their table.

"Guys, I'm going to leave with Baekhyun for a bit but we'll back real soon. Trust me on this." The others don't seem to mind; they only tease them and laugh when Hyesung flips them off. She drags Baekhyun outside, chatting his ears off until they reach the apartment complex. Hyesung's room is on the fourth floor and she insists that she's too out of shape to use the stairs so they get on the elevator instead.

"I hope you don't mind if it's a bit messy," she says when she lets Baekhyun inside her place, flipping on the lights. Her flat isn't really messy, save for some books and papers lying around the center table. She beckons for Baekhyun to follow her deeper into the house, leading him into the bathroom.

"I'm positive I still have a pack of—_voila!_ Today's your lucky day, I saved my favorite pack of black dye," she informs Baekhyun, showing it to him and dancing around on the spot. "Now, do you trust me?"

"I followed you into your house, I think I do," Baekhyun responds, laughing when she rolls her eyes.

"Okay, give me your shirt; we don't want to ruin it with black smudges." She holds out her hand expectantly, screwing her eyes shut. "Go, go, get naked already."

Baekhyun laughs at her, thinking that he's starting to really like her personality. "You don't have to close your eyes, unless you're doing it for yourself." He finishes unbuttoning his shirt and hands it over.

Hyesung hangs it up and tells Baekhyun to bend over with his head over the toilet. She starts the process and idly chats with him.

"You have a nice body, you know," she says.

"It's not much, never been into bodybuilding," he replies.

"That's nice. I don't like my men big and burly." There's a teasing hint to her voice which makes Baekhyun wonder if she's entirely joking or if she was actually hitting on him.

"Me neither," Baekhyun replies, his breath stilling as he feels her pause her work. He waits for her to say something and is relieved when he hears her let out a breathy chuckle.

"I kinda felt that," she admits. "Though I don't think it's obvious or anything, if you're going to worry about that. Just always thought you looked so… delicate? Is that an okay word? Have I offended you?"

"No offense taken at all. I've been openly gay for years. I just hadn't thought about telling everyone at work. It won't bother me if they of me that way, though," he tells her, tilting his head up to smile at her. "You're fine."

She continues talking and Baekhyun listens to her. They talk for over 30 minutes about all sorts of random stuff while they wait for the dye to set in, then she washes it off for him and even uses a really nice smelling brand of shampoo on his hair.

The phone suddenly goes off so she hands Baekhyun a towel to dry his hair, leaving him to answer the call. When she returns, Baekhyun has his shirt back on and he's looking at himself in the mirror.

"Wow, you did a great job," he tells her. "How much will this be costing me?"

Hyesung steps up and stands beside him. "I'm aesthetically pleased enough, you don't have to worry about extra charges."

They return to the others and everyone tells Baekhyun that the color suits him and he keeps telling them that it was Hyesung's brilliant idea. Apparently, while they were gone, Jihoon and Hyunjoon had gotten into a bet to hold hands for the rest of the night. The first one to let go would pay 50% of the tab, which explains why neither one of them is willing to let go. In the end, they each pay a quarter of the tab while the other seniors pay the rest.

"Will you be okay going home?" Jihoon suddenly asks him, stuffing his wallet in his back pocket. "The trains have closed, should I get you a cab?"

"I'll wait for one here, thanks. For inviting me out tonight, too. I really did have fun," Baekhyun tells him. They wait for the girls to get into their cabs before Jihoon hails one for Baekhyun. He sees Jihoon leave with Hyunjoon before the car speeds away.

* * *

He hears the door unlock with a click and he lets himself in, thankful that he didn't forget the spare key that Kyungsoo gave him. The apartment is dark and he doesn't bother to turn a light on when he goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Baekhyun is leaning on the counter when he almost jumps out of skin, spotting a figure sitting on the couch. His heart doesn't slow down even when he realizes it's Chanyeol.

"Do you know what time it is?" Chanyeol asks in a quiet voice, not turning his head to look at Baekhyun.

"I know that I texted Kyungsoo and I told him I'll be eating out with my coworkers," Baekhyun replies, suddenly feeling defensive. "You didn't have to wait up for me."

"It's almost 12 midnight, must have been awfully fun."

Baekhyun rolls his eyes, setting the glass down on the sink and storming off, heading to his room. Chanyeol catches his arms when he passes by the couch, holding him in place.

"When did you decide to dye your hair back?" he asks, reaching out a hand to touch Baekhyun's hair. "I remember you being blond just this morning."

"I told a girl at work that I wanted to change the color and she offered to do it for me," Baekhyun says, wondering why the hell he was even explaining himself to Chanyeol. "Can you let go of my arm now?"

"I want to talk to you," Chanyeol says in a commanding tone. He tugs on Baekhyun's arm but the other resists.

"No, Chanyeol. The last time you wanted to talk to me, we ended up fucking, and you ended up regretting it. I don't see a point in going through all that shit again when I could just walk away now."

Chanyeol doesn't answer for a while, just silently stares up at Baekhyun. He starts to loosen his hold and Baekhyun starts to pull away when he asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure," Baekhyun says. He almost slaps Chanyeol's hand away when it reaches for his cheek.

When Chanyeol rises from his seat, leaning over the couch to kiss Baekhyun on the lips, the other starts to feel his knees tremble a little.

"Are you still sure?" Chanyeol asks, lips still touching Baekhyun's. The hand holding Baekhyun's arm slips away, finding their way around Baekhyun's waist, pulling their bodies together as close as they could be with the sofa between them. "How about now?"

Baekhyun thinks he's tired of this. When he wraps his arms around Chanyeol's neck and allows the taller male to pull him down onto the couch, he thinks he's had enough. When Chanyeol kisses him again and starts unbuttoning his shirt, Baekhyun thinks he wants it to end.

Or at least, that what he wants to think.

It'd be easy not to kiss Chanyeol back. It'd be easy to think that what he's doing is wrong, absolutely wrong. It'd be easy to not ask Chanyeol to give him more, do it harder, faster. It'd be easy to tell himself that he's disgusting, that he's being a horrible person to his friends, that he's being a horrible person to himself.

But he doesn't. Baekhyun doesn't choose to do the right thing. Instead, he lets Chanyeol carry him into his room, a pleasured moan escaping Baekhyun's lips when he hears the door lock behind them. He lets more of those moans spill out his mouth when they go at it again, and again, and again, until Chanyeol has to leave.

They're both afraid. They're afraid that Kyungsoo might catch them, afraid that he might notice something going on. They're afraid that Kyungsoo might already have his doubts, might already be on them. They're afraid of what they've done to each other, of how everything's going to change, of how things can never be the same.

Baekhyun's afraid he might never be able to stop, even when the day comes that Chanyeol realizes that what they have isn't worth losing the one he really loves. That's what he's really afraid of, more than anything, because he thinks he's fine with everything else.

When it comes down to it, Baekhyun can tell the difference between black and white, night and day, right and wrong. Black is the color of his favorite sweater, and white is the color of _his_ favorite shirt. Night is when they can be together, day is when they have to pretend that nothing's going on. Right is when he thinks about ending it, and wrong is what they're doing. He can tell all of these things apart, and yet he chooses not to because he thinks he's fine with wearing white, he's fine with risking getting caught during the day, and he's fine with pretending that what they're doing isn't wrong.

Baekhyun thinks everything's fine when one day, Kyungsoo notices him wearing Chanyeole's white shirt. He just does his best to look like he's telling the truth when he lies about not having anything to wear because he forgot to do his laundry, and Chanyeol was just generous enough to lend him a shirt. Kyungsoo just clicks his tongue, flicking Baekhyun's forehead, and says, "Stop wearing our clothes and do your damn laundry."

Baekhyun thinks everything's fine when one night, Chanyeol sneaks into the kitchen while Baekhyun's works on making dinner for the three of them. He just does his best to keep quiet when Chanyeol starts touching him, keeps his hand tightly clamped over his mouth when Chanyeol starts fucking him. The following day, Baekhyun pretends to be okay when he sees Chanyeol and Kyungsoo on the couch, snuggling together while watching a movie.

Baekhyun thinks everything's fine when he tries to tell Chanyeol that they should stop what they're doing. He just does his best to act like he really believes what he's saying, does his best to act like he really doesn't want it when Chanyeol touches him, does his best to act like he's seriously resisting. In the end, he still thinks that everything's fine when he gives in and lets Chanyeol do what he wants, what they both really want.

Baekhyun thinks he's fine with Chanyeol not loving him. He thinks he's fine with ruining his friendship with Kyungsoo, and ruining his relationship with Chanyeol. He thinks he's fine with sleepless nights with Chanyeol and awkward meetings in the morning. Baekhyun thinks he's fine with anything as long as Chanyeol holds him.


	3. leave him for me (extra chapter)

The air is crisp and cold against his face, turning his nose red and his fingers stiff, but he can't find it in him to hate the bitter weather. When a particularly cool gust of wind touches the nape of his neck, a tingle runs down his spine, causing him to shudder, his eyes closing in response. He takes a deep breath, the cold air almost painful when it enters his nose, and exhales it through his mouth into a beautiful cloud of white. He imagines that it's something more than just his breath condensed into vapor but he knows he can never be so daring.

There's still a faint dusting of snow on the ground, adding a beautiful touch to the overall feel of the day. He hears feet crunching against the powdered asphalt and he automatically turns his head to look at the approaching figure, unsurprised to see who it is.

"Kyungsoo, why so lonely?" Jongin asks, a small smile pulling at his lips.

Kyungsoo notes that the other boy looks like he's feeling cold, too, hands tucked into the pockets of his pants. He smiles at Jongin, silently beckoning him to come closer. When he's standing beside Kyungsoo, looking at the same building that the smaller male had been looking at, Kyungsoo imagines that the warmness he suddenly feels is heat radiating off from Jongin's body.

"It's not so rare for people to get sentimental on a day like this, you know?"

"I wonder why that's always the case." Jongin is still smiling, his gaze now focused on Kyungsoo once again.

"A chapter of your life closes; it marks new beginnings and new challenges, etcetera, etcetera. Didn't you get the memo that you just graduated today? You're required to be sad." Kyungsoo knows that this isn't the case for someone like Jongin; the guy has always come off to him as someone who doesn't have time for sentimentalities and life drama.

"Why? I'll still get to see you, we'll still hang out, and the group will still be intact. Didn't you all promise that when you lot got all sentimental the other night?" Jongin teases, perhaps knowing all too well that a reminder of their little party would embarrass Kyungsoo.

"It was just the booze," Kyungsoo says, although he does hope that their little promise hasn't been washed away by the water they all must have drank the following morning after the party. He knows he personally drank a lot water that morning, swearing that he would never drink that much again as he tried to make the headache go away. "Booze that we should have not touched in the first place, mind you."

"You never did get to thank me for that, huh? You're welcome, Soo, I bet you had the best time of your life and you're just too much of a killjoy to admit it," Jongin tells him, raising an eyebrow. "There's no need to feel guilty about it, you know, we were practically graduates."

Kyungsoo doesn't argue, simply shakes his head and laughs at his friend. Suddenly, there's a hand on his head which stays there, Jongin looking at him with the kind of smile that Kyungsoo knows is something else.

"What is it?" he asks, tilting his head to one side. Jongin's hand still stays in place and Kyungsoo finds it almost comforting in a sense.

"I was just thinking that we should get you to drink more, makes you lax, even a bit bold," as Jongin tells him this, a blush flares up on Kyungsoo's cheeks. "It was almost cute to watch."

All of a sudden, there's a heavy air around them and the hand on Kyungsoo's head isn't comforting anymore. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know if he should say something to appease Jongin. Kyungsoo thinks that, intentionally or not, he had hurt Jongin that night, and now he owes the younger male an apology.

"Listen, I don't know if you want to hear this or not but Chanyeol and I—," he gets cut off before he has the chance to finish his sentence.

"Are in love, yeah, I already know that." When Jongin says this, Kyungsoo can't help but think that the tone is almost icy. "I think you do know, you know that I don't want to hear that. I never want to hear that."

"I'm sorry," is what Kyungsoo manages to say, his heart pounding in his chest, his eyes watery. "I'm sorry that it's him, and I'm sorry but it always has been him—," for a second time, he gets cut off.

The air is crisp and cold, and so are Jongin's lips on his. Kyungsoo feels his face heat up and his hands clench on his sides. It ends almost as soon as it happens, leaving Kyungsoo feeling warm and _wrong._

"Is it still him?" Jongin asks, face still considerably close to Kyungsoo's. "We both know you're lying, it hasn't _always_ been him, Soo. No sense in lying about that."

Jongin's right, Kyungsoo admits. His head hasn't always been filled with thoughts of Chanyeol and his heart hasn't always reacted so violently to the tall boy's every word and move. There was a time when that was all Jongin's job, when it had all been Jongin in Kyungsoo's eyes.

When Jongin kisses him again, he convinces himself that the memory of once wanting this to happen is the only reason why he's not stopping the other male.

The air is crisp and cold, but Jongin's lips are sultry and warm on his, and he can't find it in himself to hate the bitter kiss. A particularly cool gust of wind whispers by the nape of his neck, making him shiver into Jongin's arms, yet his eyes have long closed. The breaths he takes in during the gaps in their kiss are painful and he almost regrets taking them in the first place because_ it just hurts so fucking much_. He imagines that the small puffs of air escaping his lips are more than just his heavy breathing condensed into vapor, but he knows that he has never been so daring.

Kyungsoo thinks that Jongin is surprisingly a good kisser, despite the way he puts almost too much pressure into the kiss and too many lip bites. The make out isn't professional, almost sloppy in a way, but it makes heat pool in Kyungsoo's stomach. Jongin tastes like soda, tastes like a boy, and he finds the sweet taste unbefitting of the inner turmoil Kyungsoo is currently going through.

More than anything, Kyungsoo doesn't want to hurt anybody but he just did and it makes him feel hollow inside. "Yes," he says, and Jongin looks at him, looking so confused and so hurt that Kyungsoo almost doesn't continue. "Yes, Jongin, it's still him."

The moment he opens his eyes, Kyungsoo feels all the guilt from that day pour down on him like rain drops on a cold day. He shivers under the covers, feeling around the bed for Chanyeol's warmth but he comes out empty handed. There's a sting there because it inevitably makes him feel like he doesn't deserve Chanyeol's warmth because of what happened with Jongin years ago, because of what Kyungsoo let happen.

He berates himself for feeling like shit over a dream, over something that he has already told Chanyeol about, over something that Chanyeol has already forgiven him over. _'It wasn't technically cheating,'_ Chanyeol had said. _'We weren't officially dating then, Soo.'_ His hands had been balled into fists, though, and Kyungsoo could tell that he had been shaking.

When Chanyeol enters their room, Kyungsoo almost wants to ask him if he even remembers that time, when he was so angry with Jongin but so gentle with Kyungsoo.

"Why are you still up, you squirt?" Chanyeol asks, climbing into bed with him. "I just went to the bathroom to pee and you already missed me?"

Kyungsoo thinks that there's no point in bringing back bad memories, so instead, he pulls Chanyeol into a kiss, to which his lover responds almost immediately and fervently.

Chanyeol doesn't taste like soda.

Chanyeol tastes like someone else.


	4. we sit in bars (extra chapter)

The first time he did it, it had been with a girl.

Chanyeol remembers all too clearly how it had all transpired that night; in a dirty bathroom stall with a girl whose name he never really caught. He had been invited to one of those company parties on a Friday night and, unsurprisingly, they ended up in a cheap club with borderline decent booze. He couldn't blame anybody, though; it had been a hectic week for the team and Chanyeol himself just wanted to hold a cold beer in his hands, even if the place was jam-packed with people who looked like they were too young to be there.

He had gotten a few waves and a mix of subtle and unabashed episodes of flirting from what he presumed were teenage girls with fake IDs to boast. One girl in particular had caught his attention, but, to his defense, it was hard to ignore someone when they have a hand casually resting on his thigh. He had turned to her and gave her what he thought was a polite smile.

"Can I help you?" Chanyeol had asked, drawing his legs together in an effort to extract himself from the foreign touch.

The girl had smiled at him, a coy yet strangely confident smile that had him raising an eyebrow in response. "No, I'm perfectly fine. I was just having fun with my friends over there," she had explained, pointing to a group of people enthusiastically jumping around and grinding against each other. "As you can see, it's gotten a bit crazy. Is this seat taken?"

Chanyeol remembers how he had shook his head "no", deciding that the best way to handle the situation would be to ignore the girl. He had taken a generous gulp of beer before feeling the hand on his thigh move higher up.

"So it won't be a problem if I stay with you, then," the girl had declared. "Contrary to what you implied, I think it's you who needs my help."

He remembers how he had tried to keep his eyes trained on the bottle secured in his hand, remembers how the girl had laughed at his silence.

Chanyeol wants to believe that he doesn't remember how the girl had managed to convince him to follow her into the comfort room. Chanyeol wants to believe that it had been the booze that allowed him to tuck away the thoughts of Kyungsoo that kept popping in his head. He had rolled a condom on, trying to forget why he even had one in his pocket to begin with, and had lifted the girl's leg up and pushed her panties aside to reveal smooth, wet folds. When Kyungsoo's face had come into view, flashing behind his close eyelids, Chanyeol had plunged himself inside the girl with a quick snap of his hips, earning him a surprised gasp.

The ironic thing was, as Chanyeol recalls, the girl had reminded him so much of his lover; the eager way with which she had fucked herself on Chanyeol, the incessant and demanding moans that had intentionally slipped out from her mouth, and the lengthy praises that had reached Chanyeol's ears, telling him how good he was making her feel—they had reminded him of Kyungsoo.

In the end, Chanyeol had tucked his dick away into his pants and the thoughts of Kyungsoo had resurfaced well before he was out of the stall. He remembers the girl trying to call him but he only had one thing in his mind: he had fucked up.

Chanyeol remembers the eerie quiet that slammed into him when he entered his car, a stark contrast against the loud buzz emitted by the club that had threatened to render him deaf. He remembers the pain of repeatedly hitting his head on the steering wheel, hot tears streaming down his cheeks and small sobs erupting from his chest to break the silence. He remembers surprising himself with sure and steady fingers gliding across his phone to message Kyungsoo, to tell him that he needed to crash at a coworker's place because he didn't trust himself to drive home safely.

Chanyeol had fallen asleep in his car that night, waking up to find a ticket stuck underneath his windshield and a headache blooming in his left temple. He had rubbed his face raw before starting the engine, planning to drive straight home and tell Kyungsoo everything.

He remembers trying to think up an excuse, a reason as to why he had done the unthinkable, but they had all proved to be lies. He would be lying if he blamed it on the booze, knowing that he had not been completely shit-faced that night, and it would be another lie to say that the girl had just forced herself on him.

He had ended up thinking, was he bored with Kyungsoo? No, definitely not, because he knows how sex with Kyungsoo is always amazing for Chanyeol, yet he always finds himself wishing that it could be the same for his lover. He had found himself thinking about how good Kyungsoo is, how kind he is, how selfless, even when it comes to making love.

Chanyeol had thought about how Kyungsoo would always be so eager to please him, always so eager to make Chanyeol feel good, always putting Chanyeol's pleasure before his. When they have sex, it's always about Kyungsoo pouring his all into making Chanyeol come undone. At first, Chanyeol had viewed it as something that Kyungsoo takes pleasure into, but as the months had passed between them, he had started thinking differently.

Was that all that sex was ever going to be for them? Fun, exciting, different, but was it ever enough for Kyungsoo? What could Chanyeol ever do to have Kyungsoo writhing against him in genuine ecstasy, to have Kyungsoo share the pleasure with him?

Chanyeol remembers how, suddenly, it was not pleasure that was contorting Kyungsoo's face in the most delicious expressions, but pain and the feeling of betrayal. All of a sudden, Chanyeol had flashes of Kyungsoo crying, of Kyungsoo breaking apart in front of him, of Kyungsoo leaving and slamming the door behind him for good.

It had all been too much, Chanyeol remembers, and he had ended up slamming his foot on the brakes, causing an uproar of horns barking at him from all around. He had felt trapped at that time, the usually spacious expanse of his car seeming to close in on him, making a task out of breathing and constructing imaginary obstacles to form in his eyes.

He had barely registered the knocking on his window, a lone stranger mouthing the words "Are you okay?" at him. Chanyeol had barely managed to nod, ashamed that he had broken down in public like that. He remembers how he had felt like everyone was still staring at him as he sped away.

Upon arriving home, he had told Kyungsoo about the ticket, about the fact that he didn't go to a coworker's place because he had ended up sleeping in his car. Kyungsoo had laughed at him, smacked his chest and promised him a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches.

Up to this day, he still remembers asking himself just what exactly did he do to deserve someone like Kyungsoo. He finds himself constantly asking himself that now, whenever Kyungsoo surprises him, especially with the simplest stuff like breakfast in bed (which the smaller male hates to death) and free laundry day.

He finds himself asking that question when one day, they decide that they don't need to work on laundry or go grocery shopping, which means they could spend the day doing nothing productive. They're lying on the couch (the one which has always been too small for Chanyeol but seemed perfect for Kyungsoo) with Chanyeol spooning Kyungsoo against his chest, watching a movie that had the tall male yawning into his lover's neck.

Kyungsoo chuckles and creates a low vibration that travels between them. "That tickles."

Chanyeol tightens his grip around the slighter male's waist, pulling their bodies even closer together, nipping at Kyungsoo's exposed neck, alternating between kisses and playful bites, travelling from a creamy white neck to a reddened earlobe. Through his ministrations, he gets the small male in his arms squirming, quiet moans replacing the excited laughter.

"What are you doing?" Kyungsoo asks, his voice catching on the end when Chanyeol licks a long stripe down his neck.

"Trying to make you feel good," Chanyeol answers, reaching down to palm Kyungsoo through his sweatpants. It earns him a loud, throaty moan that sends a jolt to his own dick which he tries to ignore. Much to his unusual disappointment, Kyungsoo notices, evident in the way he starts grinding back at Chanyeol.

It takes a lot of effort on his part but Chanyeol manages to whisper, "Soo, stop. I want to make you feel good."

Once again, he's answered by a moan which he takes as an encouragement to continue. He goes back to palming Kyungsoo in a lousy crotch massage, thankful when he realizes that the small male seems to enjoy it. His name is chanted in a quiet mantra that eggs him on to do it harder and faster, eager to make his lover come undone.

"Yeol, I'm, fuck, so close," Kyungsoo says, bucking his hips in a clumsy effort to meet Chanyeol's hand. "Fuck, I'm gonna—."

"Come in your pants," Chanyeol finishes for him, biting Kyungsoo's ear when the latter starts shaking his head.

"No fucking way." Each word is interrupted by a pant for breath that has Chanyeol laughing, more than certain that Kyungsoo would be coming any time soon. "Shit, Yeol, you're so fucking good."

Chanyeol's face breaks into what is most likely a smug grin, always feeling triumphant whenever he'd heard praises like that coming from a horny Kyungsoo. "Then come for me, love. Show me how good I'm making you feel."

At that point, both their movements turn erratic before Kyungsoo's suddenly holding on to Chanyeol's hand on his crotch, humping the appendage to ride out his orgasm. They're both breathing quite heavily when it's done, bodies heated up and sheathed with sweat.

Chanyeol knows that he'd start hearing complaints about messy sweatpants and ruined underwear, so he kisses his lover smack on the lips, using it as a distraction to wound Kyungsoo's arms around his neck. He picks up the small male into his arms, carrying him to the bathroom.

"What's gotten into you?" Kyungsoo asks, letting Chanyeol strip him naked. The soiled garments are thrown away, neither of them caring much as they step into the shower, letting bullets of cold water assault their heated up skin.

"I already told you," Chanyeol stops midsentence to take Kyungsoo's lips between his teeth, "I just really want to make you feel good today."

Chanyeol makes sure that everything is on him, all the pressure and all the work. When he enters Kyungsoo, he almost immediately starts to look for that bundle of nerves that always gets the smaller male on the edge of release. With each thrust, Chanyeol finds himself praying for Kyungsoo to come just by feeling Chanyeol's dick inside him, for Kyungsoo to cry in ecstasy at how good he's being fucked. In his head, Chanyeol is praying, Please let me know you feel good, too.

But Kyungsoo is hard to break, and Chanyeol isn't as strong as he wants to believe he is. Kyungsoo's tight walls around his dick has him coming sooner than he wants to and he ends up biting Kyungsoo's shoulder to contain the groan that's bubbling in his chest. He refuses to just leave an angry, red mark on soft, white skin, so he reaches around to pump Kyungsoo, determined to make the male come once again.

When he comes for the second time that day, Kyungsoo slumps against Chanyeol's body. The tall male finishes the job for the both of them, making sure to clean every inch and crevice of their bodies.

In bed, Kyungsoo mumbles about the "special treatment" he's been receiving from Chanyeol but he only gets a kiss on the forehead and a low voice telling him to go to sleep. When soft snores start reaching his ears, Chanyeol wills himself to follow suit.

In the end, he lies awake, thinking about how his question still remains unanswered.

* * *

The second time he cheats on Kyungsoo, it's with Baekhyun, and it feels different.

When all the sexual tension becomes almost tangible in the air between them, Chanyeol finds himself in Baekhyun's room and his dick between Baekhyun's thighs. There's a fleeting moment of doubt when they hear Kyungsoo on the other side of the door, calling for Baekhyun, but the hand gripping his forearms takes Chanyeol off-guard. He snaps his hips forward, snaking a hand to cover Baekhyun's mouth just in time.

Suddenly, it doesn't matter to him if they get caught. In fact, it makes him incredibly harder, thinking about how Baekhyun would look like if they were to be caught fucking like this. Chanyeol reaches a level of confidence where he starts thinking about Kyungsoo getting turned on by this, of Kyungsoo wanting to hop in and engage in a threesome with them.

He's frustrated by the fact that his fantasy will never become a reality, so when Baekhyun starts covering his face with his arms, Chanyeol is a little more than pissed. He grabs the offending limbs and pins down, growling at Baekhyun to look at him.

He regrets it when he gazes down at Baekhyun's face, his flushed skin, his mouth hanging open in a silent moan. Chanyeol can't help but revel in Baekhyun's beauty and he can't stop himself from singing Baekhyun's praises. He feels absolutely helpless in their little game of give and take, admitting to himself that it's nothing like he's ever experienced before.

Chanyeol loves it. He loves how Baekhyun isn't just doing it to make Chanyeol feel good, to have it over and done with when Chanyeol comes inside him. He loves how Baekhyun is taking as much as he can from Chanyeol and giving him everything in return.

Sex with Baekhyun doesn't prove to be a task for Chanyeol, and the same seems to go for Baekhyun. The proof is when the smaller male comes, his walls constricting around Chanyeol in a vice like grip that is neither painful nor quite enough. He wants more, that's what he knows. Later, it would scare him when he'd think about the possibility of never ever getting enough of Byun Baekhyun, but he's not willing to dwell into that at the moment.

Right now, he's too focused on the velvety feel of Baekhyun around him. "I'm so close, Baek. I'm so close," he whispers against the smaller male's lips. Then he's coming, his hands gripping Baekhyun, his fingers finding purchase in soft skin.

It doesn't take long for the high to wash down, giving way to something all too familiar for someone like him; the cold and unforgiving guilt of knowing you've fucked up yet again. It's different from the first time, in ways that Chanyeol can't explain. Is it because it's with another male this time? Is it because he enjoyed himself with Baekhyun?

With a fuzzy mind and a sex drive surging up sky high, he does the first thing that pops up into his head; run away. He leaves the room, not caring much if Kyungsoo's in the house, and heads out to his car and drives away. He ends up in the same bar where he met the girl and he almost pukes right then and there.

For weeks, he and Baekhyun avoid each other. It's not too hard to do, especially with Baekhyun's new job which had him leaving early in the morning and coming home late at night. This goes on until one night, Kyungsoo tells Chanyeol that Baekhyun is out drinking with his co-workers.

"It's good he's meeting new people," Kyungsoo says. "Maybe he'll find someone soon."

Chanyeol tries to deny the jealousy that suddenly rises from within him, making him think up images of another person going down on Baekhyun, in between his thick thighs. That night, he unconsciously makes a decision that has him fucking Baekhyun on every surface of the house they land on and sneaking around Kyungsoo's back whenever he gets the chance.

Still, when night time comes and he's in bed, Kyungsoo would always be there. Every night, with his lover lying flush against him, Chanyeol finds himself asking, 'What did I do to deserve you?' The answer comes to him every time he lies to Kyungsoo, every time he fucks Baekhyun, and every time he loses a bit of his humanity: he doesn't.

* * *

**A/N: This is just an extra chapter. Chapter Two marks the end of this story.**

This chapter was written to represent Chanyeol's side of the story and is in no way a tool for me to try and justify his actions.


End file.
